A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

We went to see the boys today, and change up their fall decorations to their winter ones. I wasn't sure what I wanted to put at the cemetery for them, so it took me a bit to decide. I decided on a wreath with some bows and ornaments. A very special friend, went to visit the boys on Sunday. She left them 2 beautiful ornaments (and a beautiful and touching card), and we added them to the wreath. Thank you C for visiting them and leaving such a special token for them. I am honoured that I mean enough to you, and that my baby boys mean enough to you, that you went out of your way to visit them. You will never know what that means to me. SO many *hugs*. There are 3 angels and they are all engraved, one says "Today and everyday you're in my heart to stay", one says "Angels are among us and you are one to me" and the other one says "Angels gather here". There are 2 little snowman bell ornaments, one is red which is E's and the blue one is L's which says "Baby's 1st Christmas, 2009" (E got one last Christmas). And the two letters, E and L are ones that my friend C left for them.

The other day, B and I were laying down relaxing together. She looked at me and said "momma, tell me more about baby E and baby L". I asked her what she wanted to know. She said "tell me about them being so little (or yittle in 3.5 yr. old speak), and where they are now". I had to choke back tears to talk to her. She was content with what I said, and moved on to something else. It was just so sweet and innocent. Today, at the cemetery, before we got the kids out to visit the boys, we got out to change the boys stuff and kept the doors open so we could see/talk to them. B kept saying she wanted to come out and we kept telling her that it would just be a few more minutes. She finally says in such a quiet, almost sad tone "but I really want to see my brothers". M and I just looked at each other, and didn't know what to say. M went and got them both out right away. It killed us that this is something she has to know about, something she has to experience. She is too damn young to need to know about death, let alone the death of her two baby brothers. I fear (for me) the day when K starts asking questions, but at the same time it warms my heart that B wants to know about them. So it will warm my heart when K starts to ask about them. I love that she feels comfortable enough to bring them up and want to know about about them. And I love the fact that the both of them say hi and bye to them when we are there. I love the fact that they kiss the angels on the headstone when they say goodbye to each of them, and tell them they love them. Siiigh...I wish it was real kisses, but i'll take what I can get.

I have some very special thank yous as well. I've done so privately already, but I wanted to share publicly a few more special things that other bloggers have done for me. All of the physical stuff that I have received are with each of the boys belongings. One day I hope to make a scrapbook for the boys, and I will definitely be including all pictures and things done to remember my precious baby boys. I've posted before about other things I've received, so if you have sent me something via e-mail or mail and don't see a thank you, check here and here . :)

Danielle from Letting Go and Letting God e-mailed me these beautiful photos of the boys names on rocks.

Bree from My Baby Butterfly Ella mailed me these beautiful butterflies of the boys names.

Holly from Caring for Carleigh e-mailed me these beautiful photos of the boys names written on leaves.

And last but not least, Lea from Nicholas' Touch who made these beautiful angel wings and mailed them to me.

Life.

I came across a woman talking about the loss of her child today. She said "I strive everyday to not make her death bigger then her life". I have been so focused on loosing E & L, that i'm afraid that i've made their deaths bigger then their lives. It sadness me to read that line, but then I think that the person who wrote that is so very strong. She lost her daughter, not even 2 months ago and is strong enough to say that and stand by that every day. I'm not.

I've decided today will be about E & L, their lives. Not about their deaths, and my sadness. It will be to celebrate them and how amazing they were, how amazing they are. I will strive, not only today but every day, to make their lives bigger then their deaths. Not only for me, but for them.

E...my 2nd born son. Our only none June baby. He looked so much like K did as a baby. Long fingers and toes. Delicate features though, much like me. He had no hair, which I loved (secretly i've always wanted a bald baby). He was Baptised when he was 1 hour old. He fell asleep, forever, as Dadda rocked him in a glider. He taught me perseverance. We were told he might not make it through labour and delivery alive, but he did. He was born alive. We were told he probably won't last longer then a few minutes, but he did. He lived for 2 hours and 16 minutes. He taught me that life isn't about how long or how short you lived, but its about what you did while you were alive. He touched lives. He made people realize that too many things in life are taken for granted. He taught me to live in the moment, and enjoy each moment and day like its your last. I know i'm not guaranteed a tomorrow, I know my husband and my children aren't guaranteed a tomorrow. He taught me to live life to the fullest, have fun, laugh and enjoy life. He taught me its okay to cry. Its okay to be weak. Its okay to not be strong every day. He taught me to live.

L...my 3rd born son. He looked so much like me. The first of our 4 children to look like me, I loved it. He had big feet, which he got from Dadda. He had dark hair, much darker then B & K's hair as babies. He was baptised when he was 2.5 hours old. He fell asleep, forever, as Momma rocked him in a glider. He too taught me perseverance. We were told within minutes of his birth that he wouldn't make it. That we were going to have to say goodbye. He fought back, he lived. We were told he probably wouldn't make it through the day, but he did. He lived for 2 1/2 days. He was feisty and strong, just like when he was in my tummy. He moved so much, and kicked all the time. He was a pee machine, and peed all over his bed and nurses multiple times a day. He was peaceful, and loved to be talked to. He hated it when we touched his nose, he would crinkle his eye browns when we did. He also didn't like his feet to be touched. Whenever we touched them, he would kick us away. He loved his Momma's milk. We were allowed to give him a bit of breast milk on these big q-tips, to help moisten his lips and mouth, and he just suckled away on it. He always seemed soothed by us. If he was agitated, he would calm with the sound of our voices. I think he knew who we were. He loved it when we held his hands. He never flinched when I took pictures (and God knows I took hundreds). I think he liked being in the spotlight. He taught me how to be selfless. There are times when I wonder if he knew that he needed to be with E, so E wasn't alone. Maybe he thought E needed him more then we did. He taught me to be strong. He taught me to fight. He taught me to love. He taught me these things, because for such a little guy, he was all of those things. He was strong, he fought, he loved. He touched lives. His Drs and nurses were all touched by him and his life. He taught me to not focus on the little things in life. He taught me to live in the moment.

My sons taught me so much. Alhough much of my focus seems to be on their deaths, every day I think about how lucky I am to have had the time I had with them. It was much too short, but I would take that short time I had with them, over never having met them at all. They have changed my life forever.

Momma loves you baby boys, more then you will ever know. Fly high with the angels, I hope you are both having the sweetest dreams. Sweet kisses to Heaven E & L. xoxo

Reminders.

Do you ever have days where you seem to see things that take you back to that time. The time when you lost your baby, or the events surrounding the loss. Yesterday was one of those days, over and over. Doing laundry I pulled a shirt out of the dryer, it was the same shirt that hubby wore the night we said goodbye to L. While at the hospital yesterday (B had an appt with her Paed there), I looked over near the elevators and saw a transport team. The same team that came to my room the morning I was transferred to another hospital. We were watching Trauma last night (on PVR) and a woman was in premature labour, giving birth to her baby, breech. The body delivered fine, but the baby's head got stuck. The baby wasn't breathing when born. The baby was a boy. That is my story with L, every second of it was my delivery with him. It was relieving my story, all over again. That delivery was more traumatic then I could ever describe. I don't know why so many things happened over and over yesterday, but it was a smack in the face. A constant reminder of what happened. Not that I needed it. I know what happened with L, I relive it every day. I think about it every day. Its random things that are hard for me, and most days I can deal and just feel that pit in my stomach and function. Other days, it hits me really hard, knocks me down. I don't know if its the season, the time of year. Christmas quickly approaching. The fact that its been over 5 months since we lost L, over 14 months since we lost E. I'm not sure how its been that long already, it feels like yesterday we lost both of them. I am terrified about what our future holds, will we have another baby? Will we even get pregnant? Will the pregnancy be okay? I am mad. I don't want to be stopped in my tracks over random things. I know I lost my baby boys, I can't bring them back or change the outcome. Why can't I just live with knowing that, which is hard enough. Why do these triggers have to be so painful too? So breathtaking? So consuming? I want to be able to deal with what has happened, but I can't. I can't move forward because when I take even just one step, there is a reminder. That reminder or reminders makes me take 10 steps back.

I got a new book for myself last week. Its called "Healing a Parent's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Child Dies" by Alan D Wolfelt. So far, its a good book. Its written by a Dr, who has spent a lot of time with parents who have lost their children, at different stages of life. So while he has no first hand experience, he talks about the experiences those families have gone through. I've read different books, or researched different books for me to read during this time. To maybe help me through all of this, but none seem to fit the criteria. None seem to fit my life, my story. They are all about stillbirths, babies having fatal conditions, religion, etc. Why can't there be a book called "how to deal after your baby was born prematurely and died 2 hours and 16 minutes later", or "how to deal after your baby was born prematurely, was in the NICU and died 2 1/2 days later". Is that too much to hope for, expect, want?

I just miss E and L more then I could ever express. I feel like its getting harder, not easier. :(

PS...I'm sorry for my absence lately. I'll be catching up on my blogs today, promise. I've thought of you all though, I just haven't had it in me to be on here.

I...

I am not strong, I am fighting.
I am not weak, I am heartbroken.
I am not brave, I am living.
I wake up not because I want to, but because I have to.
I smile, because I have to.
I want to see my babies in Heaven again, but I want to see my miracles on earth grow.
I function, for the sake of others.
I cry tears of sadness, and happiness.
My arms ache for my baby boys, but are filled with love from my 2 miracles.
I love.
I am hurt.
I am hearbroken.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am tired.
I am fighting.
I am honest.
I am loyal.
I am faithful.
I am caring.
I am greatful.
I want to have hope...I will fight to have hope.
I want to have faith...I will fight to have faith.
I wish I could turn back time, I also wish I could fast forward time.
I want to dream.
I want my children to know no pain...but they already do.
I want my children to live, love and laugh.
My smile doesn't mean I am okay.
My laughter doesn't mean i'm over it.
I have forever changed, I will never be the same.
I hate that I know death so closely, I hate that my husband knows death so closely, I hate that my children know death so closely.
I hate that my children's names aren't said every day.
I hate that my children probably aren't thought about every day.
I hate that B & K are growing up, and E & L aren't with them.
I am in a rut.
I am in a funk.
I am scared for the future.
I am scared for what the future doesn't hold.
I am scared for what the future does hold.
I question too much.
I think too much.
I analyze too much.
I worry too much.
I worry about E & L, I worry about B & K. I worry they will be taken from me too.
I worry M will be taken from me.
I worry that I will end up back at that cemetery buying another child.
I hate that I had to buy a headstone.
I hate that I had to burying my sons.
I hate that I had to say good bye.
I hate that I had to give them back.
I hate that B & K will never know their baby brothers more.
I feel guilty for wanting more when I already have so much.
I have amazing children.
I have an incredible husband.
I am given smiles, love and hugs every.single.day.
I am loved.

Beyond all of my pain and sorrow...I AM blessed. I am blessed to have 4 perfect children, and 4 perfect stars in the sky.

Back in the days...

Oh how I wish I could rewind time. Back to those days when everything was carefree. Where decisions were made, and nothing ever seemed to go wrong. And if it did, then so be it. I am trying to remain hopeful, for today, tomorrow and the days that follow. I am trying to have faith that things will work out, and that one day we will hold another baby, our baby. I am trying to have hope that bad things don't always happen to good people, though living this nightmare twice has me questioning and doubting.

Do you remember when you were trying to have your first baby? I do, and I remember thinking that I just need to get over this hurdle of not being able conceive (IF), and just be pregnant. I remember thinking that was the key. I mean, once you got pregnant, you had a baby 9 months later. No hiccups or problems along the way, just blissfully happy. Then I had my first miscarriage. Then I lost identical twins. Then I lost E. Then I lost another baby. Then I lost L. As each subsequent pregnancy progressed, I still had fear. But I tried to remain positive. When we got pregnant with L, I wouldn't let myself be fully happy. I wouldn't let myself be positive, or have hope, or even faith. But when I finally did, my life seemed to unravel again. So really, when can you let yourself go and just enjoy it? Is it even possible anymore?

I remember the magic word "viability". After we lost E (during the whole ordeal actually) everything about 24 weeks was key. So going in to a pregnancy with L, all I had in my head was 20w5d (the day my water broke with E), 21w1d (the day E was born and died) and 24 weeks (viability). I NEEDED to get to 24 weeks (obviously I wanted waaaaaay beyond 24 weeks), then everything would be okay. Um, no. That's that naive sense of peace, and complete happiness that everything will be okay. I was naive. I was counting down, on here. Then everything changed. Then I hear more and more about babies being sick in utero, being born sick, stillbirths. I mean, there is never an okay time. There is never a safe time. Any moment you feel your baby, hear his/her heartbeat, see them on ultrasound, everything is okay. Anything other then that, how can it be okay?

I remember when I was finally letting myself open up to the idea that maybe my pregnancy with L was going to be okay. I told myself that every single day I was pregnant I would have hope. I would enjoy each day for what it was. The fact that I WAS still pregnant, and my baby was still healthy and active in my tummy. I had a new life in me. I had a miracle. I would enjoy every sick, roll, and punch because I didn't know if that was the last time I would feel him. I am SO happy I rejoiced in what I had, because it was all taken away from me in a flash.

I am going to try and go in to another pregnancy (IF i'm lucky enough to have one), with the same attitude. While I WILL be afraid, while I WILL stress, while I WILL worry that I will never get to bring my baby home, I need to enjoy every day I am pregnant. I won't be able to look ahead, I won't be counting down. Every day will just be a new day, a fresh day, another day of hope. I will buy something for my baby if I see something that jumps out at me. I will look at baby name books. I don't want a new baby to have any less of me, just because I am afraid. Another pregnancy would be my last, no question. I will never feel another baby in my tummy, I will never give birth again. I want to remember those moments forever, whether the outcome is good of bad.

I remember feeling L, and while he isn't here with me today, knowing I rejoiced in EVERY second he was with me, inside my tummy and out is amazing. I know in my other pregnancies, I did that...but it was hard to get to that point with L. I had already lost E, and I knew that pain. I knew that sorrow, that heartbreak. I had convinced myself that if I didn't get close to L, that it wouldn't hurt as much had we lost him. Not likely, in fact I would probably have a lot more regrets. I recorded things from my pregnancy with L, especially once the complications have started. And while I have not gone back and re-read ANY of my blog entries from back then, I know they are there. They will always be there. As much as it hurts, as much as that is a painful time, it WAS my journey with L. Its his story...good or bad.

Back in the days when everything was so simple, so easy. I wish I was a dreamer again, I wish I had endless hope and faith...

Funk.

I just cannot get out of this funk. I want to cry all the time (and often do), the thought of my baby boys not being here is just crushing. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to blog, I feel like I have nothing to say but I have a million things running through my head. I don't know what it is, or why now the pain feels like it did the day I lost them. At 13.5 and 4.5 months, it feels like yesterday. The heartache, the tears, the last touch, the last kiss, the last I love you. It feels like yesterday and at the same time it feels like years ago.

We try and go see the boys every week, sometimes its every 2 weeks. So yesterday we went to see our baby boys, and I just cried. I got M to take a picture of me next to the headstone. The first picture of me with both of my boys. It killed me, as I smiled for the camera. All I could think of was why am I standing in a cemetery, next to a granite stone to have a photograph taken of me "with" my boys? Why aren't they in my arms, where they should be? I am watching B & K run around, with huge smiles on their faces. They are taking to their baby brothers. B kisses both angels on the headstone and before each one she said "Bye bye Baby E, I love you", "Bye bye Baby L, I love you". I just wanted to cry. K kisses the headstone, and kisses it like 10 times, which is too cute. They love their baby brothers so much, yet they never got to meet them. They never got to know them. I don't know what to tell them because I barely got to meet them, I barely got to know them. So really, what can I really tell them about their brothers?

Hallowe'en was very hard. My kids had so much fun, which I am so thankful for. They have asked every day since Saturday if we can go trick or treating again.They looked adorable, my very own ladybug and dragon and charmed everyone they saw.

For some reason, it seemed like there were babies every where we went. Every other house had a baby just a few months old all dressed up. I was bitter, but just smiled and ushered the kids along. I didn't want to see other babies, not when my babies should have been dressed up too. We bought a costume 0-6 month size when K was 15 months old. It was SO cute, but too small for him. It was like .50 cents I think. Who could pass up a deal like that? We always knew we wanted another baby, so I just figured that baby could wear it when they celebrated their first Hallowe'en. Yet, this is my second Hallowe'en in a row, that the cutest little skunk costume has remained in that Children's Place bag, tags on in B's closet. Two Hallowe'en's later, 2 babies later and its never been worn. I still wonder if i'll ever have another baby to wear that costume. A costume that just might remain in that bag, forever. I wish I could crawl in to a hole every holiday and wake up after the fact. I remember telling M last year, that if I could just get through these firsts, all the firsts for E, I thought the healing would get easier. That dealing with what happened would get easier. Yet, instead of living another year without E and trying to deal with the seconds for him I am dealing with the firsts all over again, but for L and the seconds for E. Double whammy. It just makes me angrier. Its not fair that it happened to me once, yet twice? I have to go through every single motion, emotion and fear of celebrating more holidays not just without 1 of my children but 2. Instead of shopping for toys and gifts for my 4 children, I am only buying for 2. And I am buying Christmas decorations for my other 2 children to have at the cemetery. I have so much trouble trying to understand that. Last Christmas was really hard (EVERY holiday last year and this year has been had), and I fear for what this Christmas will bring. We only put our tree up last year 2 days before Christmas, we didn't put up any lights, no decorations inside or out, I didn't even display the Christmas cards we got in the mail. I didn't want to. The only reason I did eventually put up the tree was for B & K. This year, they are going to understand even more, and i'm not sure I can get away with not doing anything, as much as I want to. I would love to run away and sleep through the holiday, all parts of it. But I can't...not because of me, but because of B & K. I want them to have a magical Christmas and love it the way I used to. I want to, I need to see their innocence. And to think, Christmas used to be my favourite time of the year. I loved it, I loved the snow, the music, shopping, wrapping gifts, everything to do with it. Now, I dread it.

I'm not sure how I get out of bed everyday. I feel like I am on auto pilot. I get up and do the same thing every day. I don't want to do that, let alone anything else. I am just too tired, too angry, too sad. I'm angry at the world around me, God, my family and even some friends. I am sad for what my life is, and what it should be. I am sad for what isn't and for what will never be.

I used to...

I used to love Hallowe'en, I used to love all holidays. Now I don't. I put on a happy face and get through the day for the sake of B & K. I have to, for them. I'd rather be in bed, i'd rather be anywhere but here. I cried myself to sleep last night because I just hurt SO much, I miss my baby boys more then I can describe. My heart hurts so, so much. I hate that this is my second Hallowe'en without E, and my first one without L. Add in, AF being 5 days late and coming today...on Hallowe'en. As if today wasn't hard enough, I get a lovely reminder of what I am not. Not pregnant.

This sucks.